Dr. Racy answers your questions
Once again, it is time to open your minds and hearts to the healing powers of the worldwide interweb's only motorsports advice columnist, Dr. Racy Ryan.
After a few weeks' absence for what was a totally bogus investigation by the National Union of Trained Sociologists (NUTS), the good doctor is back and has sifted through thousands (as far as you know) of e-mails and letters from readers concerned about life and racing.
So turn down the lights, set fire to your favorite hero card, call upon the spirits of Ann Landers and Tiny Lund and let the healing begin!
Dear Dr. Ryan,
I was so excited when you and Marty Smith reported that my personal hero, Danica Patrick, was signing with JR Motorsports for 2010. My excitement may have gotten the best of me, though. I changed the names of my seven cats to Danica, Dan, Danny, Patty, Patrick, DP and GoDaddy.com. My friends say that my obsession is unhealthy. What do you think and when is this Danica/Junior deal finally going down?
Whiskers in Wild Cat, Ky.
Dear Whiskers,
As Marty and I both reported, the deal -- as it stood two weeks ago, Wednesday -- was "in the final stages." Despite reports over the weekend that had Rick Hendrick denying any impending deal, my sources say that timetable is still in place, which means the contract is still being worked out. As we said then, an announcement isn't expected until after the NASCAR season is done. As for you, there is a feline, er, fine line between being a fan and being insane. It's time to take a long look into the milk bowl, my friend. The face looking back at you is, I am sad to say, the Crazy Cat Lady. And history (not to mention my ninth-grade geometry teacher, who always smelled like Fancy Feast) says there is no cure for that. Dear Racy Ryan,
My husband loves muscle cars. I think he may love them more than he loves me. When Ford announced it would run the Mustang in the Nationwide Series in 2010, he didn't pay any attention to me for a week. When Dodge unveiled the Challenger he ignored me again. Thing is, he's really more of a Camaro guy, so I am afraid that if Chevy ever decides to enter one into the Nationwide Series he may never look my way again! Is our relationship doomed?
Feeling Deprived in Needmore, W.V.
Dear Deprived,
I have good news and bad news. The good news is you will have one less car to compete with. The bad news is the rest of us are the ones being deprived. General Motors continues to be adamant about not fielding a Camaro in the Nationwide Series. GM's racing group manager, Pat Suhy has said repeatedly that the company doesn't want to compromise the car's unique body shape to fit NASCAR's new Nationwide COT templates, though the league has proven its generosity on such matters based on the distinct noses on both the Mustang and Challenger. Until they come to their senses, we'll have to settle for a decidedly non-pony car, the Chevy Impala. As for your relationship problems, you need to do two things. One, join OctaneGirls.net and bone-up on your Muscle Car knowledge. You start talking about trailer queens and resto-mods at the dinner table and he's going to start listening. Two, start wearing some of these around the house. If that doesn't work, make him sleep in his muscle car. Or make him wear a pair of the fancy undies around the house.
Dear Racy Ryan,
Settle a bet between me and the guy I share a cubicle with at work. I say that Junior Johnson won the first NASCAR championship, but he says it was a guy I have never heard of named Red Bryan. Which one of us is right? We have a week's worth of Taco Bell riding on this.
Out To Lunch in Picnic, Fla.
Dear Lunch,
Tell your friend to grab a case of Pepcid AC, because he's right. Sort of. Red Byron, not Bryan, won the NASCAR Strictly Stock title in 1949. And he did it with a left leg that was mangled so badly that he had to wear a brace, which was bolted to the clutch whenever he was behind the wheel. What happened to his leg? It was blown apart by Japanese antiaircraft fire during his stint as an engineer/tail-gunner during World War II. On his 58th and final mission, his B-24 was shot down over the Aleutian Islands in the North Pacific. He spent two years enduring leg reconstruction surgeries, but when he finally got back home to Alabama he went back to doing what he'd done before the war -- he drove racecars. And he won the first NASCAR championship driving for Raymond Parks, a moonshiner turned team owner. Byron and Parks were both on the list of nominees for the inaugural NASCAR Hall of Fame class, but weren't voted in.
Dear Racy Ryan,
I recently picked up a copy of the National Enquirer to read my horoscope and was dismayed to see my favorite driver, Dale Earnhardt Jr., on the cover with a story that says he's "stuck in a death spiral" over his inability to perform on the racetrack. Is there any truth to this story? If so, how do I keep myself from slipping into the same funk?
Flipping Out in Flippen, Ga.
Dear Flipping,
I stumbled upon that story as well while I was filling out my page-25 order form for a Wondrous Winter Pre-Lit Pull-Up Christmas Tree by Thomas Kinkade (aka the Painter of Light). But Flipping, never believe anything you ever read in a grocery-store-aisle newspaper. Did you also believe that the Bat Boy was the reason the Yankees won Game 3 of the World Series? I recommend that you take that paper, roll it up, douse it with Dale Junior Edition Drakkar Noir, light it on fire with an official Dale Junior lighter and toss the flaming rag it into an official Dale Junior trash can. If the trash can catches fire, call the fire department with a Dale Junior cell phone.
All right folks, that'll do it for this edition of Dr. Racy Ryan, the Internet's only motorsports advice columnist. Keep those questions coming and, until next time, remember: It's not that other people don't like you, it's that you don't like you.
Ryan McGee
