So, how big is Dale Earnhardt Jr.?
He's as big as Bat Boy. As large (metaphorically) as Dr. Phil. And as huge as Brangelina.
Don't believe me? Fine, let's ask Walt the teenage grocery clerk. You see, one of Walt's many jobs at my local Food Lion in Charlotte, N.C., is to fill, arrange and keep watch over the store's multiple magazine racks and checkout-aisle newsstands.
Which means that this week Walt carefully stocked said racks with the following headlines:
Weekly World News: "A-Rod Commissions Self-portrait as a Centaur"
The Globe: "Oprah & Gail Split in Love Triangle Bombshell"
Us Weekly: "Zac Efron: 'I Wore the Same Jeans for 8 Weeks Straight' "
National Enquirer: "Dale Earnhardt Jr. Emotional Breakdown" ... Crying, punching walls & more!
No, I am not making this up.
NASCAR's biggest star is on the cover of the grocery store's biggest tabloid, his photo framed between stories of J. Lo's half-naked video with her dancer ex-husband, Penny Marshall's -- of Laverne and Shirley fame -- brain surgery and Dr. Phil, whom sources say has only three years to live.
As of Tuesday, the online version of the story (read it for yourself here), which added the headline "Pal: Dale Jr. in a Death Spiral", was sandwiched between a story about Jessica Simpson's recent collapse and the details of a meeting between reality TV refugee Jon Gosselin and Sarah Palin's daughter's ex, Levi Johnston.
Again, let me repeat: I am not making this up.
According to the Enquirer's "sources," Junior is drinking himself into oblivion. At one point it tells the story of a "NASCAR writer shocked to hear that Dale was found alone, weeping, after a poor finish in a race." Rarely does one have the opportunity to read such fine third-hand he-said reporting.
Some of the details in the story are correct. He has dated at least a couple of the six women listed in the story and the pictures are actually of him and not of other people who merely resemble him.
But the writer tips his hand about halfway through the story, when he quotes his apparent source with this wordy gem: "On race days lately, when Dale should have been up and ready to win, he instead seemed listless, morose and disturbingly unfocused."
Folks, I've been hanging around the garage for a decade-and-a-half. Unless the Enquirer's garage "source" is Jack Roush or Ken Squier, I don't think there's anyone in the paddock who has ever used "morose" in a sentence. At least not on purpose.
Old School Is In School
Shortly after we posted Tuesday's blog about the USAR revival of the North Wilkesboro Speedway, the actual announcement was made and another bomb was dropped.
The American Speed Association (ASA) -- the league that brought us Alan Kulwicki, Mark Martin and Rusty Wallace -- will run its prestigious King's Ransom 300 next fall at the newly revived track. The event will be moved to North Carolina thanks to the shuttering of the Memphis Motorsports Park. Dates are still to-be-determined.
Here are two great packages by two local TV stations in the Triad area about Tuesday's North Wilkesboro announcement. The first is from Fox affiliate WGHP and the second is from NBC partner WXII.
For Your Viewing Pleasure
And in case you missed Cousin Carl Edwards' Tuesday morning appearance on "The Price Is Right," as usual, we're here for you. Gentlemen, start your Showcase Showdowns.
Observation No. 1: Carl is so smooth it makes you sick.
Observation No. 2 : You know the image-conscious marketing suits down in Daytona cringed a little when TPIR rolled out the big prize in the first showcase -- a trailer.
Ryan McGee
