Posted by Jason Sobel
BETHESDA, Md. -- It's Day 1 of the PGA Tour's new drug testing policy and I'm utterly confused. Congressional Country Club, host venue of this week's AT&T National, still looks more FedEx Cup than "Fill That Cup," more golf clinic than walk-in clinic.
Where are the guys in white lab coats? Where are the players downing multiple bottles of spring water in hopes of being able to "go?" Where are the carefully sealed jars of urine being whisked away from the locker room and shipped to a CSI-like laboratory?
Sure, just because the tour can start testing doesn't mean it has or will, but isn't that sort of like failing to consummate a marriage? I mean, they've gone through the whole courting process (this policy has been close to three years in the making), the engagement (it was first announced after this past season) and the wedding. Now it's time to cross that threshold into the bedroom -- er, bathroom.
Here's the problem, though: Due to a little thing called confidentiality, the names of those who have been tested won't be released for public consumption. (Believe me; I asked a tournament official -- my query was met with a stare that could cool off the entire nation's capital in July.) And since testing is random, there's no way of knowing if a player has been asked to unzip more than his golf bag on any given day without simply asking him.
So that's what I did. Call it "The Great Pee Quest." Alternate title: "Race For The Cup." Extra alternate title: "Jar Search."
The first player I spoke with was Pat Perez, who's never at a loss for words. Nope, he told me, nobody had asked to collect a urine sample yet. But just in case, he was ready.
"I'll piss in his hand, if he wants," said Perez, who coincidentally goes by the nickname PP. "I really don't care, because I'm not worried about anything."
I'd come to learn that this was a familiar refrain. Not the urinating into another person's hand thing -- that's purely a Perez golden rule -- but the fact that players weren't fretting over the prospect of being tested. After all, prior to this season, the tour furnished every member with all the pertinent paperwork instructing which drugs were legal by their standards and which weren't. Included on the "Do Not Take" list were such medications as Vick's Vapor Rub and, well, other things.
"My wife is a pharmacist, so she's read through it," Rich Beem said. "She was actually laughing at a lot of the stuff. There's stuff in there that pregnant women take and not anybody else and so she's like, 'What are they doing?' But obviously they've got to cover their bases."
Just in case a player is, uh, taking stuff that pregnant women take -- or anything else -- there's also a 24-hour hotline that's been operational during the season, while a medical staff has been on call at every single tour-sanctioned event. Testing will be random and might include off-site house calls, which should provide much of the players' consternation.
"A lot of guys aren't going to be real happy with that," Troy Matteson said. "I don't have a problem with it. As a matter of fact, I wish they would test everybody 100 percent of the time. That way you would know if anything was going on."
In other words, if you get caught, it's your own damn fault. Of course, they can't catch anybody if they don't test. So our search continued for the first player who -- to steal a term used by anyone who has ever seen a golfing buddy relieve himself in the woods -- has been asked to work on his short game for the purpose of getting tested.
Davis Love III?
"I've been here two hours. And it wasn't like, 'OK, you're on site. Let's go.' "
Ken Duke?
"Not yet. Today is the first day, but no, not yet."
Joe Durant?
"Not yet, no. I'm almost semi-expecting that to happen. You're almost waiting for it you're first time. You go and do your duty and you get on with it."
At least, I'm pretty sure he meant "duty." Or else he's doing it wrong.
I kept asking players, but couldn't find one who had been administered the pee test. Pissed me off, really. Then I ran into Joe Ogilvie, who as a member of the PGA Tour Policy Board, is a man who knows things out here.
"So, has anyone been tested yet?" I asked him.
"Tim Finchem was the first one to do it," he said. "He was here this morning."
I gave a slight chuckle, but Ogilvie countered with an "I'm not kidding" look. The commish? The first to flush? While he declined comment, saying only that he would address the beginning of the drug testing era during a Wednesday news conference, I was able to find one player who isn't on site this week, but did seek a personal exam.
"Oh, yeah. I have," said Tiger Woods, when asked if he's tested himself. "I've done it twice, actually."
Yep, just another statistic in which Woods already leads the tour.
